To Hell And Back Again-The Writings of a Bi-Polar

I had my panel hearing with the Princes Trust business startup panel today to discuss my business plan, twenty minutes after I get a call telling me I've won a startup grant of £1500 and a business mentor for three years! So my entertainment company, Playhouse Productions, can finally get going! Look out for info about upcoming events soon, also casting calls.

Si flippin excited, not to mention nervous-I'm starting a business of my own called Playhouse Productions, with help from the Prince's Trust, who are going to give me £1500 and a business mentor for three years! They have been really supportive and helpful. I'm going to put on burlesque and music events, hold workshops, and and put on pub theatre events. Carlisle is a difficult place to try and introduce anything new, being several decades behind the rest of the country in terms of attitudes, but a challenge is a good thing!

Hurray! My story 'The End Is Nigh', which is on my blog , is being published by Atlantean Publishing in their 'Garbaj' magazine! Rather bloomin chuffed!

a soggy trail of footprints

weaves from discarded towel

along saturated linoleum flood plain

after a devastating battle between

rival pirate ships

on the great ocean Bathtubius,

the water dousing the fires of war,

and continues hesitantly

along the green meadow

of Hall Way

leaving faint memories of feet now

as the water is left behind

til the great gate of Bedfordshire

looms up before you

and finally you reach your destination

as you drift away on a starlit breeze

your tender, damp skin carressed

by the gentle night air

The demons are creeping in and I've had a bloody terrible 24 hours, having missed two job interviews due to being too depressed to leave the house, then having a blazing row with a grumpy, childish, reactionary boyfriend because I borrowed his last blank cd to make my a mix of her favourite songs for her birthday as I've got no money. He decided this was a mortal sin, and screamed abuse at me even though I apologised. It having already been a bad day anyway, I snapped and threw my dinner at him when he called me a slag! This was very out of character for me and I scared myself. Then I spent a couple of hours trying to sleep on a park bench in the early hours, accompanied by my cat who wouldn't leave me on my own and and acted for all the world like a guard dog. Now I'm desperately trying to find somewhere else to live, a friend has offered me the tenancy of her flat but I need to raise the deposit, nigh on mpossible since I have no income whatsoever! Meltdown ahoy...

Moral of the story?-leave a bi-polar sufferer well-alone when they are having a downward mood swing!

From the swirling heights of ecstasy

To the sucking hole of despair

Blackly velvet yet toxic

promising sweet freedom

Giving wind to my wings

Whispering a shining future

Then wrapping me in cold chains

And pinning me to the frozen ground

As I scream silently but forever

What is the first thing you look at when browsing social networking sites for potential new friends or dates? The photo will usually be the part of the profile that catches your eye first, and just as we, as human beings, tend to judge by appearances first in real life, the same goes when you're networking. First impressions count! So naturally you will want your own profile picture to present you in the best possible light. There are a few practical ways you can make sure you get a good photo, whether you use a professional photographer or a friend with a digital camera:

1) Unless you want your photo to look like a mugshot, it's best not to face straight on to the camera lense, as this doesn't present your features in a very flattering way. Equally, don't look too far to the side, for the same reasons! Sit with your shoulders straight and facing the camera, then choose the best side of your profile (we all have one, unless blessed with perfectly symmetrical features!) and, keeping your chin up, turn your head slightly to the side, keeping shoulders straight and eyes on the camera.

2) Wear a top in a colour that flatters your skin tone and brings out the colour of your eyes-warm skin tones suit muted natural colours like olive green, earthy browns, terracotta. Pale-skinned or blonde people look good in soft pastels, and dark skins can get away with bright, jewel-like shades. If in doubt, black always works in a photograph, and white rarely does. Busy patterns are also a no-no, far too distracting from the main attraction-you! Make sure your top is not a similar colour to the background of the photo, and don't show too much skin.

3) Use an actors' trick and think of something to focus your mind on while the pictures are being taken-your boy/girlfriend, favourite pet, a beautiful sunset. This makes your eyes look 'alive' and animated, which is a lot better than the blank, dazed look caused by staring into the camera flash!

4) Relax! Smile and be yourself. You don't need to pose or put on a serious/seductive/intelligent expression, just be natural and your personality will shine through.

5) Once your photograph has been taken and you've decided which shot you would like to use, there are still a number of steps you can take to improve the picture and present the best you possible. A digital photo-retouching service can really add that extra dash of magic and make your picture stand out amongst the sea of faces on the web. For example, the lighting can be adjusted, to minimise the appearance of blemishes, under-eye shadows, and prevent your skin looking several shades darker than it actually is, a common problem in amateur photography. Red-eye can also be eliminated.

We've all heard of airbrushing, and seen the supermodels in magazines looking impossibly perfect, but air-brushing used in moderation can be a very useful tool. For example, it is often said that the camera adds pounds, and this is, unfortunately, true. Airbrushing can be used to reduce weight so that you look more like the real you. Of course, if you're adventurous you can also use it to increase the appearance of muscle-tone, smooth out fine lines and wrinkles, remove scars, and smooth a bumpy nose!

Another clever function of retouching services is the removal of unwanted background items, and even the replacement of the background with a different colour or fun pattern. You can use this to show your personality, just make sure the colour/pattern doesn't clash with your clothes.

To create a more classic, sophisticated image, retouching services can change an ordinary colour photograph into black and white, or even sepia-tones. This can give a very flattering, elegant effect.

To sum up, put your best face forward, relax and be you, use colour well, don't be afraid to experiment with photo-retouching, and you'll be sure to shine on the web!

The sharp greenness juts into the sky
high above me
giving away nothing
no clues
as I crash and tumble along
with the thickly wet scent of earth
filling my questing, quivering nostrils
as I search inisistently
for the warm smell of home
the invisible pathway
that will lead me back
to salty tongue greetings
from the milk provider
too-rough pats from small sticky hands
belly-filler in brown glistening heap
and soft blankety womb of bed.

Today I had my first meeting with my new community mental health nurse. So it wasn't a good day for feeling like a normal human being! I arrived even more stressed out than I would have already been as I got completely lost and walked miles out of my way before I found the clinic, and so only had half a session left!

There were actually two nurses in the meeting, as one was a student nurse, and the other was supervising her, but the supervisor kept taking over. They were both really nice though, and just treated me like a normal person, which helped. I have discovered that once you are diagnosed with a mental illness you are then doomed to spending your life repeating yourself, answering the same questions over again. At least these two actaully listened though, unlike my GP and psychiatrist, who I've explained to that the anti-depressants don't help, and the nurses agreed with me. They also said that they don't think I should be on the Seroquel as it's mainly an anti-psychotic, and what I really needed was a mood stabilizer. Seroquel does have mood-stabilizing properties but they're obviously not very strong. The thought of taking lithium scares me somewhat though, the side-effects are meant to be pretty heavy....

Poetry

Poetry is
A chapel on a hill
Dark and cool
Undisturbed
Waiting

It’s a still place
The dark silence
Brings your inner stirrings
To the surface

Making you yearn
To light up the darkness
Break the unrelenting hush
With your words